Hustle Culture is Cancelled

Well this past year and a bit has been a RIDE. So many tangents I could run away with but for now I’ll try to stay focused. With all this forced alone time, I’ve been able to reflect.. and to rest. To question what I’ve been doing and why?

What is the end goal?

You could say I’ve been doing shadow work; discovering so many things about myself that I’ve kept buried for a very long time. The overarching theme of my action being to decolonize the way I approach my life. There’s only so much I can do of course because we exist under capitalism.

But what is the furthest I can stretch these confines to live a life that I want; that brings me pleasure.

A podcast that’s been helping me on this journey is The Grind Culture Detox, hosted by Heather Archer. I’m becoming more aware of the limiting beliefs I cling to based on the fact that capitalism and hustle culture can have you feeling that everything is limited; success, resources, happiness. I’m working on noticing when my limiting beliefs have me spiralling and trying to move to more expansive thinking.

Something that’s really stuck with me from episode 2, is when guest Nakia Dillard, describes a moment she experienced at the beach. She’s standing at the edge of the water, hyperfocused on the waves that are close enough to roll in and touch her. After some time she comes to the realization that even the waves far out into the sea are making their way towards her. The ones that she cannot see, wasn’t thinking about and couldn’t even imagine.

This image has stuck with me for the past few days. The idea that just because you cannot see beyond your current situation, doesn’t mean a future doesn’t exist beyond it. I’m not sure where I’m going to ride this wave to yet, but I’m holding on…

What makes you randomly burst into tears?

Confession.  I don’t think I’ve ever found myself seemingly randomly bursting into tears as much as I have in the last few months.  I tell myself a few competing things when this happens.

…  Let it all out.  You have to be present in this moment.  Feel all the sadness.  All the frustration.  All the anger.  Let it run its course.

And also…

…  Stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself.  It could be worse.  It could be so much worse but it isn’t.  Stop being a little bitch and be grateful for what you have.

True.  It could be worse, but you know what?  This is the worst for me.  And I’m not going to devalue that just because someone else is far less off.  I don’t care about anyone else (in this moment).  I don’t want to play the comparison game right now (well not ever, but yea).   I feel like moving to this ‘it could be worse’ line of thinking, prevents me from being present in this awful moment – and it’s important for me to be overrun by this awful moment in order to get past it.  Otherwise, if I ‘stop being a little bitch‘ and bury it, it will just erupt another time.  Probably in a less private moment – which I definitely don’t want.

So what’s the reason why these hurricane/volcanic/tsunami eruptions are happening now?  Still working out the details but here’s where I’m at.  I’ve never known myself more than I do at this point in my life.  I’ve never known what I wanted more than I do at this point in my life.   I’ve never had as much of the raw goods in place to make those things happen than I do right now.  It’s the patience that I don’t have.

The patience to wait for those things to align.  It’s the controlling, dominant Leo in me that just wants to make this shit happen like I do with most things, only this thing…  This thing doesn’t quite work that way.  So I’m feeling this…

‘if you want to make the universe laugh, tell it your plans’ thing hard.

And giving myself over to the universe?  It’s some even harder shit.

Naked Thoughts #1

Confession:  I am terrified of disappointing someone.  I thought this fear was limited only to those in my circle, but it’s not.  The possibility of disappointing even a stranger, with the smallest task – say, not sending a form on the day when I say that I will – makes me more than a bit anxious.  After drawing some conclusions from answering the questions in this post (plus you know, I’ve been on this path of self-discovery for a minute) – I believe I know where this fear comes from…

I feel ashamed at the thought of letting someone down.

Because I learned early in my life that even the people you’re supposed to (or that society says you’re supposed to) be able to rely on the most will disappoint you – in the most basic and fundamental ways possible.  Obviously I’m not the only person who has experienced disappointment – I can only speak to how it has shaped me.

The fear doesn’t paralyze me.

Nawwww man.  There’s tons of shit that I gotta do even though it scares me.  If it’s in the way of my path, I have to blow right through it.

But the fear is draining…

I can’t have something that I do contribute to someone interacting with the world the way that I do – and the way I’m working to adjust.

To analyze every pathway and offshoot of that pathway to make sure there are no holes – room for disappointment – no matter how big or small the situation.  To have such a hard time trusting anyone but myself.  The fear of disappointing someone who depends on me and having them internalize that disappointment as the norm rather than the exception.

How do I discover my life purpose?

Lately I’ve found myself in a position to reevaluate some of my goals – I mean some of my serious life goals.  I discovered that as sure as I was about those goals at the time, they were founded on the person I was at that time.  Of course I’m still me, but I’ve evolved and will continue to evolve.  So yah, my goals should too.

Then I started listening to a new book; How to Get Sh*t Done by Erin Falconer.  In the first chapter I realized something else…  I couldn’t answer simply:  WHY do I want to achieve these goals? – I’m not talking about an answer that fits with what is expected of me.

I’m talking about an answer that has meaning – to me.

Because in the very first chapter, Erin comes at you with some straight fire questions.  She asks you to take your time answering them, leave them for a bit and review them later.  If nothing else they get you thinking about what you really want & need, what you’re capable of and how that compares to what you’re doing now.

Erin asks:

• If money were no object, how would you spend your time?
• What makes you feel proud?
• What makes you want to go back to bed?
• What makes you feel jealous?
• What motivates you?
• What makes you want to quit?
• Do your crave solitude or company at the end of the day?
• What makes you feel envious?
• What makes you feel awesome?
• How did your family life shape you?
• Describe yourself in just three words.
• When do you feel the healthiest?
• How often do you compare yourself with others?
• When do you feel the most creative?
• Whom do you have to please?
• What drains you?
• Would you rather lead or follow?
• What is your best trait?
• What is your worst trait?
• Do you crave routine or novelty?
• What makes you happy?
• What makes you unhappy?
• Where are the roadblocks, detours and open roads for you?
• Where do things lie for you at the moment?

Don’t have time?  Pick three of the above and answer them like no one’s watching.  Now how do your answers compare to what’s going on in your real life right now?

Do you need more stuff to be happy?

Look at Stacey’s new car; she’s doing well.  Did you see Dan and Michelle’s new house, they’ve got it all together.  This is just the cooler talk, you know you get it worse on your socials.

Why must we associate stuff with success?  With happiness?

Like the amount of stuff we have or how nice the stuff we have is indicates how happy we are.  Do you ever buy something when you’re unhappy?  Of course you fucking do.  A habit my friends and I are currently trying to break with this little game where we talk our purchases out to each other before making them – and most of the time end up poking fun at each other for our explanation.  It’s quite possible that’s why we find a need to be so flashy…  To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with buying shit; it’s the motivation for buying that’s key.

Just maybe if I buy something, I will feel better.  People will think I am better and then I will be happier.  But are you?

Why don’t we say; Hey, look at Alicia and Erica.  Don’t they look HAPPY???

How many times have you heard that?  Okay, maybe at a wedding but that’s about it.  The people I see who genuinely look the happiest tend to have the least amount of stuff.  Is it because they don’t need stuff to prove to themselves or to anyone else how happy they are?  I’m guilty, guilty, GUILTY of this thought process too but you better believe that I’m working towards the less stuff is more happiness mindset.

So what now?

I’m at an impasse for the first time ever.  You know that friend that you call when you’re wallowing in self pity and want a partner in your emo vibes to confirm how shitty the world is?  Yah, I’m not that friend.  I’m the one who will listen to your problem and unconsciously can’t help searching for a solution.  It’s what I do; I solve problems.  I see a problem (that I want to solve) and my mind is immediately processing.  Sometimes the solutions are not ones that I like.  Sometimes they take a long time to complete (which I also don’t like), but I’m never not processing possible solutions.

Until now.

I’ve realized that I’ve been so focused on one particular long term goal, and left no room for any other.

I mean not completely ignoring other desires yet still prioritizing the one so intensely that I left zero consideration for anything else I may have wanted.  I’ve had blinders on for such a long time that now I don’t even know what else I want.  I guess when I think about it, I’ve always been laser focused.  It’s how I’ve manifested anything that has come to be in my life thus far.

Only now, I feel like it doesn’t work for me anymore.

As my BFF pointed out, the long term goals are broken into short term ones.  100% true and for the first time in my life I want other short term goals which are unrelated to the life plan.  Sounds simple enough and it should be easy for problem solver me to resolve.  Unfortunately, it isn’t.  It’s hard to solve because I don’t know what else I want.  Is that a bad thing?  Is it a good thing?  Does it mean I won’t be happy?  I’m not sure.  I can’t answer those questions either…  But I’m sure AF going to figure it out.

It’s okay to not be ON all the time, just as long as you don’t plan to live there

So I’m in a bit of a funk. I’ve gone back and forth about writing and posting this because I don’t want to push negative vibez out into the world. At the same time, I want to be honest.

I don’t want to pretend like everything is always aspirational and motivational AF over here.

Cuz it damn sure isn’t.

I’ve been burnt out before but that’s not what this is. This is different. I have ZERO energy. Well relatively no energy in comparison to the last few months. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or going out anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I don’t feel like doing the things that usually make me happy; like fucking and eating (I’m a simple girl). I don’t feel like working on business shit because I just don’t have the motivation. It’s like my tank is on empty. No my tank disappeared. So I just have enough in the lines to get through the task at hand and then I’m done.

It’s not the same as burnout. This is boredom.

Boredom is way fucking scarier than burnout. No amount of sweet temptations or promises can save me from this monster.

I was on a high for a while. 2017 has been good things (and bad things), but lots of good things & progress to make up for the bad. In the last little while, I’ve hit a wall. Not even close to a subtle kind of way. I mean like I was going 130 km per hour on the 401 and smashed into the back of a transport truck.

I’ve been telling myself that I need time. To just wait it out and it will go away; like any other time before. I’m realizing that it’s not going to be like that this time. Nawww. This time I need a plan.

What kind of plan? Well I’m not 100% there yet but I’m certain it involves changing things up a lot. It requires breaking the monotony that has been my life the last little while.

For starters my workouts are stale. I’ve been resistance band training since May. Lots of progress but yah, I’m bored AF. I’ve gone from training 6 days a week to 4 if I’m lucky. So I’m testing a new workout app this week. Food – I’ve been reintroducing more carbs to see how that makes me feel. Social – Fuck I should probably go out and see my friends who I’ve been avoiding.

So that’s how far I got. Just thinking it out loud I can’t lie, I do feel a bit better. Anyway, like I said – it’s okay to not be ON all the time but I’m not staying here.

What do you mean you don’t want kids?!?!

Yeah. I’m starting the post about not wanting kids with an analogy about kids.  Follow me though…

So you know those kids who constantly ask,

‘But whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy????’

Well that was me but not literally cuz my mum would have smacked me, but def in my head.  Eventually this little girl grew up to start asking why out loud.  First just quietly to myself and eventually so loud that I could no longer ignore it.

I asked myself WHY I wanted to get married.  Is it to have a wedding? Nope, not into it. Is to declare in front of God, my family, my friends that I’ve found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? Nawww. TBH I don’t care much about that either.  It’s only important for me to make that declaration to my partner. The rest is just a formality.  We’ll leave it there for now because this post is really about:

Why don’t I want kids?

The short answer is that if I have to think sooooo fucking hard to come up with a reason to want them, then sorry not sorry; I don’t want them.

I draw on all the reasons other people give for wanting kids. One that I get often is, there’s just nothing like it. True. But so long as that’s the case, I don’t know what I’m missing and I’m PERFECTLY cool with that. Because where I stand now, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

It’s def not because I’m afraid to be a mother or think I wouldn’t make a good mother.  Quite the contrary my friend, I know I’d be an awesome mum. And if I had an unplanned pregnancy I would love that kid more than life itself.  Knock on wood, but if that does happen and it’s years from now, and my kid is reading this:

Mofo I loved you from the moment you existed.  You just weren’t in the plan.  You will learn if you haven’t already, that life doesn’t always go to plan but it doesn’t make it any less valuable or meaningful – So fix your face!

I’ve been told by some friends who’ve been around long enough that maybe it’s because of the large age gap between myself and baby brothers.  Because like any big sister, I learned my time wasn’t actually  my own time and I learned to do a lot of things on my own while my parents focused on their babies who needed them most.  Because I was old enough to see my brothers go through the stage where they disrespected my parents and took them for granted.  Able to see my mother hurt from feeling devalued; which I’m sure I did to her too and I’m also sure is not unlike the experience of many mothers.  I know what I’m describing is not unique and of course I’m not telling you about all the moments of pride and joy that I know my parents also experienced.

But none of this changes that I just don’t have that innate desire to want children or marriage or that happy lil’ family unit. Being a mother isn’t on my list of aspirations.  I don’t question your desire for those things.  I don’t ask you why you want them and TBH I don’t give a fuuuuccckk.  Do you boo!  Be happy.  I will however ask myself why? Why do I want those things? And I just can’t find a reason that is truly meaningful to me. Not. One.  If you’ve got a problem with that, well, that’s just what it is…  YOUR problem.  I can I assure you, I lose no sleep over it.

What you might want to do though – if you’re not doing it already; for your daughters, for future boss ass babes, is not put so much energy into making other women feel bad just because they make a choice that’s different from your own.

Not for everyone

This past year has been a lot of soul searching for me.  Fuck, more than just the last year but the volume of self exploration I’ve been able to do in the last year most certainly far outweighs the last five.

I found that in all my past relationships I was searching for someone to care for.

Because taking care of, whomever, whomever except me, is a task that’s been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember.  Can’t say exactly how it was nor do I care to; just accept that it was.

I can appreciate that’s not how all relationships work, or at least how they’re supposed to work.  Both partners should take care of each other.  Yah, I see that and raise you this:

Maybe I just know how to take care of myself the best.  Maybe there just isn’t someone(s) out there who can take care of me in the way that I need.  The person inside of me doesn’t know how to need someone because I learned early on that needing leads to disappointment; a lesson only further reinforced with subsequent experiences.  If I knew how to need someone, I’m certain I wouldn’t have lasted this long.

I propose that maybe everyone isn’t meant to be in a relationship with someone.  Maybe they’re not built for it, not wired to compliment and be complimented by someone else.  Maybe they’re meant for many great things, but one of them isn’t that romantic kind of love.  And what kind of dick move would it be for you to say that those great things are any more or less valuable than that romantic kind of love?  A Big. Dick.  Move.  That’s what kind.

So I’m convinced this is the case.  I don’t want your unicorn, sunshine and roses story that ‘You just haven’t found the right one(s) yet.’  Truth is, I wouldn’t know what to do with them if I did.  I don’t know that I’m capable of feeling or at the very least showing the love they would need, deserve and expect from a relationship.  Just not sure I have it in me.  All signs point to an uphill battle; one that I don’t expect anyone to stand for.

I wouldn’t.

How to Lose the Dead Weight

Obviously I’ve been on this journey called life for a minute now.  I’ve said this before, I just want to be happy.  Now don’t get it twisted, saying that doesn’t mean I’m unhappy now.  I look for the positivity in every stage, even the struggles.  Sometimes being happy doesn’t mean adding something.  Sometimes it means losing something, cutting out, saying goodbye.

I’ve said ‘Bye Felicia’ to a lot of things over the last few years.

And I regret none.  Doesn’t mean I don’t miss anything or anyone; missing is fine.  But I say again, I regret NONE.  I’m good with missing as its far outweighed by the value of what’s gained.

So here’s 5 weights I’ve dropped off my back in the last few years.  Thought I’d separate them into physical weight and mental weight, but I won’t because they’re so tightly tangled into each other there’s no getting in-between them.  Holistic AF…

One:  Leaving food to chance.

Unless you fancy and got a chef on call to make you whatever whenever, not planning how you’re going to fuel your body is fucked.  You’ll end up making a bad choice or no choice at all, both of which are torture for your mind & body.  So, on Thursdays we meal plan.  On Friday’s we grocery shop.  And on Sundays we meal prep!

Two:  Consuming animals.

Vegan AF.  Not only has this given me more energy and helped me to lose the extra weight I put on (more on that here), but it’s also lightened my mind.  Living according to your values, especially those ones you subconsciously ignore is fire; matches & accelerant.

Three:  Inorganic Chemicals.

It’s taken some time to source beauty, hair and make-up products that work for me, are natural & cruelty-free and don’t break the bank but I’m almost there.  Again, it just feels better; inside and out.

Four:  Fucking Carbs & Sugar.

Woah brah, I’m not carb-less, but I have severely cut my carb & sweet intake and replaced it with healthy fats and periodic sweet treat cheat days, along with working real hard at keeping my protein intake on point (more details here).  And FYI for any mofo who wants to open the “vegan protein-deficiency debate”: try logging everything you put into your mouth for a week and then tell me you as a meat eater are getting enough protein – If you are, I’m certain you’re in the minority.

Five:  Unlike-Minded People.

Of course everyone doesn’t agree with everything you say and we go out in the world and work with all kinds.  I’m talking about those people who don’t support you, those people that always have some MF negative thing to say and poo poo on your goals.  And those negative people that feed into your insecurities because misery loves fucking company.  Nawwww man.  Fuck them.  Next!

Obviously it’s not easy to not care what people think.  Everyone cares.  Sometimes I say I don’t care, but I really do, just not enough to have someone else’s opinion dictate the value I see in myself and certainly not enough to stop me from doing something that’s right for me.

So drop those sand bags and live free baby!