Introverts Unite | Social Distancing & Falling Up

Zoom calls? Google Hangouts?  Social Distancing is legit my lifetime mood so I’m not even bothered.  But I will say that enforced alone time is prompting me to question why I do the things I do and while channeling The Happiness Advantage, I’m figuring out how I can ‘fall up’ from these struggles.

Bruh, You’re Not Going To Be On All The Time

Things were going so well… Until they weren’t. ADULTING. This is what we wished for, wasn’t it? Real talk though if we weren’t tested, we wouldn’t grow. So I will accept you shitty times because I know what comes after…

The Pilot: How To Begin Again After Your Life Implodes

Links to stuff mentioned in this episode:

(Just click the italicized words.  You’re welcome.)

Green Zebra Kitchen Meal Delivery Service.  Use my link to get $15 off your first order.

GRASS Toronto.

Sorry I’ve Got Plants meal plan service.

Vegan peanut sauce recipe.

Sustainably Vegan‘s YouTube Channel.

Natur-a Vanilla Soy Milk

Queen Fresh Market

It was chipotle chili powder NOT chipotle seasoning!

Singleism In The City

I can’t even remember the last time I felt naive.  I don’t know..  Maybe like when I was 17, kissing a dude for the first time and I thought my face was being eaten off.  That feeling came back to me this week… Felt even worse and more gross than that experience if you can even imagine that.

Here’s how I ran into the brick wall.  I was thinking that seeing as I have a real good handle on my finances.  Since I always pay on time or early – in the case of rent paying 1-2 weeks early most months.  Since the bank will give me, well I’m not going to say how many tens of thousands of dollars in lines or credit and credit cards, because I think that’s one of the security questions the banks asks me…  But basically its a ridiculous amount of money that I would never use and they’re also periodically letting me know that they can raise the maximum limits despite the fact that I always refuse.  Even though I work full-time and make more than enough money to live and cover rent and have no car payment because I drive a 10-year-old and still in good condition car since I hardly drive it now.  Even though I have no school debt repayment because I paid my first degree off within the three years post-grad and paid for my second degree while concurrently working full-time.  Even though my credit rating is higher than 75% of Canadians…  Even though all that shit.  This city.  The city that is my home.  The city that I love.  The 6ix.  Toronto.  Is giving me a big fuck you.

Toronto is telling me,

No, JJ.  You cannot be a single, independent woman, who supports herself.

Why?  Because in order to get a new apartment, you need to bring in an income that is THREE times the rent.  THREE MOTHER FUCKING TIMES THE RENT.  Is this for real?  Yes, it is for real.  Be still my silly naive heart.  You cannot do this on your own, Toronto/The Universe is telling me.  Oh, what?  You thought you we’re good?  Slow down little lady.  You need yourself a man.

I know I’m being somewhat dramatic.  I could find a roommate.  But that’s not the point.  Remember all the fucking things I just listed that make me a good tenant?  Why is that not enough for you?  You want to remind a single female that if she doesn’t have a man, that’s cool but then she’s gonna need another female to help her???  She can’t do it on her own.  So if a D isn’t a priority to her than call a friend.

Let me fucking tell you something.

There is only one thing I really need a dick for.

And even then I’ve got more than enough toys that I can manage with.  You’re going to say it’s hard for a dude too.  Okay true.  But dudes are also getting paid a hell of a lot more to do not even half of what I do.  I know this.  I mother fucking know this, so don’t test me.

Don’t worry about me though.  As fuming as I am this won’t break me.  You can’t break me.  I don’t know how I’m going to make this happen just yet, I just know that I will.  You keep pushing me I’m going to run you the fuck over.  Come get me.

What makes you randomly burst into tears?

Confession.  I don’t think I’ve ever found myself seemingly randomly bursting into tears as much as I have in the last few months.  I tell myself a few competing things when this happens.

…  Let it all out.  You have to be present in this moment.  Feel all the sadness.  All the frustration.  All the anger.  Let it run its course.

And also…

…  Stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself.  It could be worse.  It could be so much worse but it isn’t.  Stop being a little bitch and be grateful for what you have.

True.  It could be worse, but you know what?  This is the worst for me.  And I’m not going to devalue that just because someone else is far less off.  I don’t care about anyone else (in this moment).  I don’t want to play the comparison game right now (well not ever, but yea).   I feel like moving to this ‘it could be worse’ line of thinking, prevents me from being present in this awful moment – and it’s important for me to be overrun by this awful moment in order to get past it.  Otherwise, if I ‘stop being a little bitch‘ and bury it, it will just erupt another time.  Probably in a less private moment – which I definitely don’t want.

So what’s the reason why these hurricane/volcanic/tsunami eruptions are happening now?  Still working out the details but here’s where I’m at.  I’ve never known myself more than I do at this point in my life.  I’ve never known what I wanted more than I do at this point in my life.   I’ve never had as much of the raw goods in place to make those things happen than I do right now.  It’s the patience that I don’t have.

The patience to wait for those things to align.  It’s the controlling, dominant Leo in me that just wants to make this shit happen like I do with most things, only this thing…  This thing doesn’t quite work that way.  So I’m feeling this…

‘if you want to make the universe laugh, tell it your plans’ thing hard.

And giving myself over to the universe?  It’s some even harder shit.