Hustle Culture is Cancelled

Well this past year and a bit has been a RIDE. So many tangents I could run away with but for now I’ll try to stay focused. With all this forced alone time, I’ve been able to reflect.. and to rest. To question what I’ve been doing and why?

What is the end goal?

You could say I’ve been doing shadow work; discovering so many things about myself that I’ve kept buried for a very long time. The overarching theme of my action being to decolonize the way I approach my life. There’s only so much I can do of course because we exist under capitalism.

But what is the furthest I can stretch these confines to live a life that I want; that brings me pleasure.

A podcast that’s been helping me on this journey is The Grind Culture Detox, hosted by Heather Archer. I’m becoming more aware of the limiting beliefs I cling to based on the fact that capitalism and hustle culture can have you feeling that everything is limited; success, resources, happiness. I’m working on noticing when my limiting beliefs have me spiralling and trying to move to more expansive thinking.

Something that’s really stuck with me from episode 2, is when guest Nakia Dillard, describes a moment she experienced at the beach. She’s standing at the edge of the water, hyperfocused on the waves that are close enough to roll in and touch her. After some time she comes to the realization that even the waves far out into the sea are making their way towards her. The ones that she cannot see, wasn’t thinking about and couldn’t even imagine.

This image has stuck with me for the past few days. The idea that just because you cannot see beyond your current situation, doesn’t mean a future doesn’t exist beyond it. I’m not sure where I’m going to ride this wave to yet, but I’m holding on…

Bruh, You’re Not Going To Be On All The Time

Things were going so well… Until they weren’t. ADULTING. This is what we wished for, wasn’t it? Real talk though if we weren’t tested, we wouldn’t grow. So I will accept you shitty times because I know what comes after…

What makes you randomly burst into tears?

Confession.  I don’t think I’ve ever found myself seemingly randomly bursting into tears as much as I have in the last few months.  I tell myself a few competing things when this happens.

…  Let it all out.  You have to be present in this moment.  Feel all the sadness.  All the frustration.  All the anger.  Let it run its course.

And also…

…  Stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself.  It could be worse.  It could be so much worse but it isn’t.  Stop being a little bitch and be grateful for what you have.

True.  It could be worse, but you know what?  This is the worst for me.  And I’m not going to devalue that just because someone else is far less off.  I don’t care about anyone else (in this moment).  I don’t want to play the comparison game right now (well not ever, but yea).   I feel like moving to this ‘it could be worse’ line of thinking, prevents me from being present in this awful moment – and it’s important for me to be overrun by this awful moment in order to get past it.  Otherwise, if I ‘stop being a little bitch‘ and bury it, it will just erupt another time.  Probably in a less private moment – which I definitely don’t want.

So what’s the reason why these hurricane/volcanic/tsunami eruptions are happening now?  Still working out the details but here’s where I’m at.  I’ve never known myself more than I do at this point in my life.  I’ve never known what I wanted more than I do at this point in my life.   I’ve never had as much of the raw goods in place to make those things happen than I do right now.  It’s the patience that I don’t have.

The patience to wait for those things to align.  It’s the controlling, dominant Leo in me that just wants to make this shit happen like I do with most things, only this thing…  This thing doesn’t quite work that way.  So I’m feeling this…

‘if you want to make the universe laugh, tell it your plans’ thing hard.

And giving myself over to the universe?  It’s some even harder shit.

How to not care what people think

Working my way through How to Get Sh*t Done by Erin Falconer and definitely diggin’ this book so far (see summary of chapter 1 exercise here).  In chapter 3, Erin brings up some simple and important questions that make you realize how fucked up it is that we allow the opinion of others, well the thought of the opinion of others to paralyze us from doing the things that are important to us.

The exercise goes like this:

Name a time when you haven't acted on something because you were afraid of what people might think.

How did you feel giving up on that idea?

Name a time when you did act on something regardless of or in the face of scrutiny?

How did it turn out?

How did you feel accomplishing it?

Whose judgement do you look to most often?

Name a time when you had to make a big presentation or announcement and you were more focused on how you looked or what people would think instead of focused on the actual presentation?

What did that do to your confidence?

Are you able to remain calm, focused and objective when difficult situations arise at work or at home?

Does your mind race to find fault with yourself?

Like I said.  Simple questions but your answers… Enlightening.  Obviously it doesn’t mean that I’ll always be able to move forward with what I want…

That I’ll ignore that nagging, scraping feeling in my stomach that is the fear of ‘what people will say’.

But it definitely puts into perspective the reality of the so called ‘consequences’ that I think will happen if I do something that THEY don’t agree with…

The truth is when I think about the top three major, life-changing decisions I’ve made so far, the ones that were subjected to the most negative vibes from the nay-sayers…  They are the top three best decisions that I’ve ever made for myself.  And what happened to those low vibe peeps?  They shut up real quick when I did it anyway.

Naked Thoughts #1

Confession:  I am terrified of disappointing someone.  I thought this fear was limited only to those in my circle, but it’s not.  The possibility of disappointing even a stranger, with the smallest task – say, not sending a form on the day when I say that I will – makes me more than a bit anxious.  After drawing some conclusions from answering the questions in this post (plus you know, I’ve been on this path of self-discovery for a minute) – I believe I know where this fear comes from…

I feel ashamed at the thought of letting someone down.

Because I learned early in my life that even the people you’re supposed to (or that society says you’re supposed to) be able to rely on the most will disappoint you – in the most basic and fundamental ways possible.  Obviously I’m not the only person who has experienced disappointment – I can only speak to how it has shaped me.

The fear doesn’t paralyze me.

Nawwww man.  There’s tons of shit that I gotta do even though it scares me.  If it’s in the way of my path, I have to blow right through it.

But the fear is draining…

I can’t have something that I do contribute to someone interacting with the world the way that I do – and the way I’m working to adjust.

To analyze every pathway and offshoot of that pathway to make sure there are no holes – room for disappointment – no matter how big or small the situation.  To have such a hard time trusting anyone but myself.  The fear of disappointing someone who depends on me and having them internalize that disappointment as the norm rather than the exception.

How do I discover my life purpose?

Lately I’ve found myself in a position to reevaluate some of my goals – I mean some of my serious life goals.  I discovered that as sure as I was about those goals at the time, they were founded on the person I was at that time.  Of course I’m still me, but I’ve evolved and will continue to evolve.  So yah, my goals should too.

Then I started listening to a new book; How to Get Sh*t Done by Erin Falconer.  In the first chapter I realized something else…  I couldn’t answer simply:  WHY do I want to achieve these goals? – I’m not talking about an answer that fits with what is expected of me.

I’m talking about an answer that has meaning – to me.

Because in the very first chapter, Erin comes at you with some straight fire questions.  She asks you to take your time answering them, leave them for a bit and review them later.  If nothing else they get you thinking about what you really want & need, what you’re capable of and how that compares to what you’re doing now.

Erin asks:

• If money were no object, how would you spend your time?
• What makes you feel proud?
• What makes you want to go back to bed?
• What makes you feel jealous?
• What motivates you?
• What makes you want to quit?
• Do your crave solitude or company at the end of the day?
• What makes you feel envious?
• What makes you feel awesome?
• How did your family life shape you?
• Describe yourself in just three words.
• When do you feel the healthiest?
• How often do you compare yourself with others?
• When do you feel the most creative?
• Whom do you have to please?
• What drains you?
• Would you rather lead or follow?
• What is your best trait?
• What is your worst trait?
• Do you crave routine or novelty?
• What makes you happy?
• What makes you unhappy?
• Where are the roadblocks, detours and open roads for you?
• Where do things lie for you at the moment?

Don’t have time?  Pick three of the above and answer them like no one’s watching.  Now how do your answers compare to what’s going on in your real life right now?

Do you need more stuff to be happy?

Look at Stacey’s new car; she’s doing well.  Did you see Dan and Michelle’s new house, they’ve got it all together.  This is just the cooler talk, you know you get it worse on your socials.

Why must we associate stuff with success?  With happiness?

Like the amount of stuff we have or how nice the stuff we have is indicates how happy we are.  Do you ever buy something when you’re unhappy?  Of course you fucking do.  A habit my friends and I are currently trying to break with this little game where we talk our purchases out to each other before making them – and most of the time end up poking fun at each other for our explanation.  It’s quite possible that’s why we find a need to be so flashy…  To be clear, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with buying shit; it’s the motivation for buying that’s key.

Just maybe if I buy something, I will feel better.  People will think I am better and then I will be happier.  But are you?

Why don’t we say; Hey, look at Alicia and Erica.  Don’t they look HAPPY???

How many times have you heard that?  Okay, maybe at a wedding but that’s about it.  The people I see who genuinely look the happiest tend to have the least amount of stuff.  Is it because they don’t need stuff to prove to themselves or to anyone else how happy they are?  I’m guilty, guilty, GUILTY of this thought process too but you better believe that I’m working towards the less stuff is more happiness mindset.

So what now?

I’m at an impasse for the first time ever.  You know that friend that you call when you’re wallowing in self pity and want a partner in your emo vibes to confirm how shitty the world is?  Yah, I’m not that friend.  I’m the one who will listen to your problem and unconsciously can’t help searching for a solution.  It’s what I do; I solve problems.  I see a problem (that I want to solve) and my mind is immediately processing.  Sometimes the solutions are not ones that I like.  Sometimes they take a long time to complete (which I also don’t like), but I’m never not processing possible solutions.

Until now.

I’ve realized that I’ve been so focused on one particular long term goal, and left no room for any other.

I mean not completely ignoring other desires yet still prioritizing the one so intensely that I left zero consideration for anything else I may have wanted.  I’ve had blinders on for such a long time that now I don’t even know what else I want.  I guess when I think about it, I’ve always been laser focused.  It’s how I’ve manifested anything that has come to be in my life thus far.

Only now, I feel like it doesn’t work for me anymore.

As my BFF pointed out, the long term goals are broken into short term ones.  100% true and for the first time in my life I want other short term goals which are unrelated to the life plan.  Sounds simple enough and it should be easy for problem solver me to resolve.  Unfortunately, it isn’t.  It’s hard to solve because I don’t know what else I want.  Is that a bad thing?  Is it a good thing?  Does it mean I won’t be happy?  I’m not sure.  I can’t answer those questions either…  But I’m sure AF going to figure it out.

It’s okay to not be ON all the time, just as long as you don’t plan to live there

So I’m in a bit of a funk. I’ve gone back and forth about writing and posting this because I don’t want to push negative vibez out into the world. At the same time, I want to be honest.

I don’t want to pretend like everything is always aspirational and motivational AF over here.

Cuz it damn sure isn’t.

I’ve been burnt out before but that’s not what this is. This is different. I have ZERO energy. Well relatively no energy in comparison to the last few months. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or going out anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I don’t feel like doing the things that usually make me happy; like fucking and eating (I’m a simple girl). I don’t feel like working on business shit because I just don’t have the motivation. It’s like my tank is on empty. No my tank disappeared. So I just have enough in the lines to get through the task at hand and then I’m done.

It’s not the same as burnout. This is boredom.

Boredom is way fucking scarier than burnout. No amount of sweet temptations or promises can save me from this monster.

I was on a high for a while. 2017 has been good things (and bad things), but lots of good things & progress to make up for the bad. In the last little while, I’ve hit a wall. Not even close to a subtle kind of way. I mean like I was going 130 km per hour on the 401 and smashed into the back of a transport truck.

I’ve been telling myself that I need time. To just wait it out and it will go away; like any other time before. I’m realizing that it’s not going to be like that this time. Nawww. This time I need a plan.

What kind of plan? Well I’m not 100% there yet but I’m certain it involves changing things up a lot. It requires breaking the monotony that has been my life the last little while.

For starters my workouts are stale. I’ve been resistance band training since May. Lots of progress but yah, I’m bored AF. I’ve gone from training 6 days a week to 4 if I’m lucky. So I’m testing a new workout app this week. Food – I’ve been reintroducing more carbs to see how that makes me feel. Social – Fuck I should probably go out and see my friends who I’ve been avoiding.

So that’s how far I got. Just thinking it out loud I can’t lie, I do feel a bit better. Anyway, like I said – it’s okay to not be ON all the time but I’m not staying here.

How to not give a f$&k what people think

1. 

Okay okay.  Sorry not sorry if that was click bait.  There’s no magic secret to this.  Actually I’m sure its possible; though I’m not there yet.  At least not 100%.  It’s not so much that you don’t give a fuck what people think, it’s more like you do what’s right for you regardless of what they think.  Note:  This is not to be confused with not seeing value in someone else’s opinion.  I can respect that you believe in your opinion without agreeing with you.  I can see your valid points, but what it comes down to is I’ve realized 9 out of 10 times,

I know what’s best for me.

And that maybe that 1/10 was just something I needed to do anyway so that I could learn from it.

I can’t tell you HOW to not give a fuck, but I can tell you WHY I don’t and how I got there.  I’m blessed with having many talents.  I was that straight A student.  I’m great at math and science.  I’m also a child of immigrant parents who with the best intentions were certain that a career in medicine or law was the singular path to financial security and happiness.  I was directed down a specific path which I took through a BSc. in university.   Of course many of you know now that an undergraduate degree is by no means a ticket to career success and while I realized this while studying, it’s impossible for me to half-ass anything; even more so to quit anything and I completed my degree.  I even applied for my masters and accidentally-on-purpose bombed my interviews.  If either of my parents end up reading this it will be a revelation; again sorry not sorry.  Let it also be known that I don’t feel I wasted that or any time in my life.  I regret nothing as it has all led me here.

The problem with having many talents is that sometimes you really don’t like some of the things that you’re good at, but the people around you (who may mean well) put a lot of value on those talents.  All I wanted to do for the first two thirds of my life was please my parents and I guess I thought if I could succeed at that then I would please myself.  But the truth is I never felt like I pleased them enough.

Lightbulb moment: Maybe I’d get a better return on my investment if I worked on making myself happy directly.

It took a while to build up the courage but after working for a year post-grad, I made a decision.  I enrolled in design school.

Fuck yah I was scared.  I was afraid to fail and hear ‘I told you so’.  I was terrified that I wasn’t talented enough.  Science and math are easy for me; I would never doubt myself in those areas.  Fashion design was just something I loved and I didn’t know if I was good (enough).  THAT is what not giving a fuck about what people say is;

It’s doing something even though you’re afraid and even though other people tell you not to – because it feels right to you.

Turns out I am really good at it.  I did way better than I had in university.  More importantly I learned way more.  Not just the technical skills from the program but about myself.  I learned to take more risks, to just try things and be okay with it not working out, that things don’t have to be perfect.  Most important I learned to be more confident in those skills that until that point other people in my life didn’t see as valuable.  To be confident in those talents that I enjoy even if others didn’t see them as profitable.  It was the start of shifting my way of thinking.  Widening my view of the world and myself.

And it’s only the prequel of my not giving a fuck…